Out of Service
by InfernumEquinomin
Summary: Gift Fic for Acerbus on the date of his birth. xxxHolic Crossover. The dimension gates are a bit on the frtizy side sometimes. Hell, all Xemnas had wanted to do was go to the cafeteria... XemnasXYoko


This was a challenge. I honest to god mistyped wand as wang in this fic, and you can kindly direct all complaints to Acerbus, she'd be glad to help you. Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (I'm only late by like, two hours!)

That is all.

Title: Out of Service.

Fandoms: Kingdom Hearts/xxxHolic.

Pairing: YokoXXemnas, very mild.

Rating: T for kissing and drunkenness.

Warnings: Yoko drunk, some cursing, boy/girl kisses.

Disclaimer: I don't own either series. But if CLAMP maybe asked me to join their group, I wouldn't object…

Rant: This was spawned from a conversation with Acerbus and I where I was trying to get her to randomly suggest a pairing. This was what came out.

Acerbus doesn't do well under pressure.

And now I have visions of David Bowie dancing through my head…

Dimensional portals weren't exactly supposed to work this way.

Admittedly, with the jury-rigged system of pulleys, rusty bolts, old magic wands salvaged out of a dumpster in Hollow Bastion, and something that looks vaguely futuristic and door-ish, dimensional portals weren't really expected to work at _all _but up until now, they'd pretty much worked like a charm.

He knew he shouldn't have hired that Cid guy to fix it, what had the ruffian done? Kick it and say 'there ya go, all done'?!

Because it damn sure seemed that way.

Worst part was dimensional portals were the primary mode of Transport in The World that Never Was, and Xemnas had honest to god, walked right into one in an effort to find the caf of all places (he'd never been but he heard it was a place of wonder. And pudding.) Only to find himself staring at a toilet in a very small bathroom ENTIRELY outside his chosen lair color scheme.

The toilet was blue for Christ's sake.

He frowned for a moment, upset and generally trying to set whatever he could on FIRE with his eyes (which wasn't working and he was starting to think he sounded like Axel which made him shudder all the way down to his boots.) before turning, opening the door, and nearly running over a rather shocked, pissed off, and snarky brunette.

"Watch where you're going!" he snarled and Xemnas was taken aback for a second, he hadn't really experienced backtalk in a while.

Well, three days.

Only Zexion was allowed to talk to him that way!!!!!!

"Excuse me you worthless cretin, but I'm not the one running through here like his ass just caught fire." Xemnas snarled and the boy shoved his glasses back up his face.

"Whatever. Yoko! You drunkard! Someone came out of your toilet again!"

Hmm, so it's a common occurrence.

"Lead him in here. And don't be rude to guests Watanuki!" came a lilting female voice and Xemnas frowned, ears perking as he followed the boy to the next room.

Yoko the dimension witch, for that was who it was; lazing in a small blow-up pool in what was possibly the most revealing swimsuit that Xemnas had ever seen.

And considering Larxene habitually wandered the hallway of his castle in only her underwear (chronic sleepwalking you know, it was enough to put you off women forever…), this was saying quite a bit.

"Ah, hello, I'm Yoko." the dark-haired woman smiled and offered a hand while Xemnas' eyes wandered over every bit of anatomy OTHER than that particular appendage. She chuckled, breasts heaving, Xemnas all but drooling, and then stood, holding a hand out and two small girls rushing up to her, holding a robe. She donned it and it seemed her mystical spell was broken over Xemnas immediately.

"Ah, I'm Xemnas." he offered and she smiled over one shoulder.

"I'm sure." she smiled mysteriously, dark eyes seeming to absorb him, and he swallowed thickly.

"right, so, do you think there's any chance you could help me get back to my own world?"

"The boy catches on quick." she grinned then turned over one shoulder to the doorway. "Watanuki! Make some snacks for our guest and bring in some more sake!"

"FINE! I'll just do everything!" Watanuki griped from the other room and Yoko smiled.

"follow me Xemnas, let's get a little more comfortable." she said and there was a smirk to her lips that looked entirely too proud of herself to not be misconstrued as absolutely perverted.

--

"And then I suddenly ended up in your bathroom, no clue why." Xemnas shrugged a little and Yoko poured herself some more sake, the bottle more than half gone by now.

"The World that Never Was, hmm?" Yoko mused swirling her sake idly around in her cup, not a sake cup, a glass jar.

For some reason the unrefined object managed to look somewhat attractive in her hold.

"Yes, I was traveling through our teleporting system and I assume something went terribly wrong and I ended up here." Xemnas answered and then sighed. "I bet it was a technical thing, those portals have been on the fritz lately."

"Not to terribly though, ne?" Yoko smiled over her glass at him, her grin decidedly seductive but drunk all the same.

"Ah, no, not entirely." Xemnas blushed and took what was only the second sip of sake he'd has since that boy Watanuki had brought the bottle to them. Yoko waved dismissively.

"Mah, Xem-kun, you maybe kinda like it here?" she asked, leering towards him, and he sat back, nodding. As attractive as she was, he wasn't one to take advantage of a drunk woman.

"Yes, a little I suppose. Some things more than others." he answered, meeting her eyes as she giggled lecherously.

"Oh you're naughty…" she purred, scooting even closer.

"I do have to return to my own dimension however, I have previous plans." Xemnas pressed the issue and she sighed a little, pouting.

"And what if I said I couldn't send you back?" she posed the question at him in retaliation and his eyes narrowed the slightest bit.

"Then I'd think you were misleading me these last few hours." he accused and she waved the harshing of her content mellow away.

"Oh, other than that. What would you do if you had to stay here?" she pressed and he frowned at her a little.

"I don't exactly know, from what I've seen the people aren't very accepting of an overlord…" he stated simply and Watanuki scoffed from across the room.

"Not in the slightest." he affirmed and Xemnas cast him a glare before going on.

"So I suppose I'd have to stay here where the company is at least passable." he answered and gave Yoko a look that he hoped he interpreted as mostly friendly. Yoko's mouth split into a wide grin across her face, reminding Xemnas of a snake in some respects.

He made sure his blade was within reach, just in case.

"Hm, fancy a thought like that. Crazy talk I say!" Yoko declared loudly, jumping to her feet, fist going into the air in a gesture meant to be terribly dramatic. She wobbled and that kind of defeated the purpose of the act. "Xem-kun! I can send you back, but I'd need payment, something in return for my unbridled kindness!"

"Payment?" Xemnas asked, eyebrow raising and he earned another scoff from across the room, Watanuki waving one hand matter-of-factly.

"It is a shop you know." Watanuki said drolly, pulling on the ear of that odd bunny-like creature as it slept. It wiggled and muttered something about bento but stayed asleep.

Xemnas shuddered. This place was _weird._

"Fine, what's the price?" Xemnas asked, looking back to her and she leaned down, smiling brightly at him, looking somewhat predatory, as if he was a plate of exotic chocolates.

"Your first kiss." she declared and Xemnas fell over at the audacity of the request.

"I've already had it!" he objected and she covered her mouth as she chuckled loudly.

"Well, I want it. I'll take the memory of your first kiss, then you can go." she stated nonchalantly but that traitorous smile never left her face, a constant reminder that she was fucking with him simply to fuck with him. He sighed in resignation.

"Fine. Take it." he rolled his eyes then they went wide when full lips pressed against his, thin, almost spidery arms wrapping around his neck and plump, full breasts pressed into his chest. The kiss went on for a moment, Yoko adjusting the angle every so often as if trying to get comfortable against him, but eventually pulled away from him, Xemnas' fingers and eyebrow twitching ever so slightly in the aftermath, eyes comically wide.

"Well, bye Xem-kun, maybe I'll see you if you pull that Kingdom Heart thing off, eh?" she smiled and waggled fingers at him as he stood.

"You mean when." he clarified with a self-sure smile. She smiled knowingly and crossed her arms and only then was Xemnas consumed with any real doubt to his cause, and the cause of all his fellow Nobodies.

"Yeah, when. Ja!" Yoko waved and then he felt a lurching feeling in his stomach and he staggered forwards.

Right into Saix.

"Sir?" Saix frowned at him as Xemnas righted himself, patting himself off as he caught his balance, still feeling vaguely sick to his stomach.

"Huh? What the…" he muttered, looking around, Demyx looking at him with shocked wide eyes, gaping ever so obviously. But that was Demyx for you, obvious. Saix recaptured his attention.

"why were you in Demyx's wardrobe sir?" Saix asked and Xemnas met his eyes.

"Hm? Preposterous!" Xemnas declared and pushed past him, Demyx scratching his head as his superior walked out the door.

"Well, that was weird…" Demyx muttered, looking over at Saix who was inspecting the wardrobe as if Narnia was contained inside. Xemnas poked his head back into the room.

"Oh, and hire someone to fix the dimension gates in my personal quarters for me, would you Saix. And make me a map." Xemnas said with a waved then disappeared.

"Well that explains a bit…" Saix mumbled and Demyx watched the doorway then looked at Saix.

"Was it just me or did it totally look like he just got laid or something?" Demyx blurted out without thinking, Saix slapping a palm to his face.

"It's just you Dem…"

End.

Please lemme know what you think, eh?


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